hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just cut my nipple shaving
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
