I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
