In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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