what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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