I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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