I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
