Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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