My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
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