i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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