I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
