I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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