i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Pants are for mortals
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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