why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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