i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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