be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
