Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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