mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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