If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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