Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
