I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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