you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
