my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
