i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
