Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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