watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
