come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
