i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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