The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize