I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
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Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
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Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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