He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.