R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize