I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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