i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
