Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
