if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
