my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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