So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
