Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
