if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
