I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
