well I can't set my house on fire every night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
