It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
