she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
