put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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