so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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