my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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