if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
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