He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
