my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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