i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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