I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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