oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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