Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
