Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
