I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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