the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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