Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
MIDGETS
????
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
