I think I won the penis lottery.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
