I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
