My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
