It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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