plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
