I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
