Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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